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| Trying to Hold it Together, but Slowly Falling ApartMan, this last week has been rough. I have not cried so much in I don't know how long, honestly. I have not felt so shitty in a long time. I have not wanted to cut so bad in two years. But I held it together, aside from the crying. I didn't cut. I didn't throw things. I didn't drink or anything else to try to numb the pain. I just lived through it. People could say I coped. No, I merely existed.
I'm not sure what triggered it but on Tuesday I just began to feel so alone. So terribly alone. I don't really have friends anymore. Even though my best friend has the possibility to read this (or any of my blogs/notes at other sites) the probability that she will is slim. My daughter's father asked me why don't I hang out with her, and I told him if he could find her in her boyfriend's butt, then she'd hang out with me. I saw her a couple days ago. We didn't do a whole lotta anything, but it was something...and I felt a bit better.
Not only on the friend front but on the boy front as well I'm lonely. I told Terry all I have anymore outside of my mom and Lena is Michelle (my cousin who also has the ability to read this and probably won't), Terry, and Nicole. And I hang out with Michelle more than anybody. Everyone else is too busy or too whatever. It's just no fun.
He suggested giving Lena up for adoption. I thought I'd kill him. (Note: He is her father.) He said it'd make things go back to normal. I told him that she's not the problem because she's at the age where I can take her just about anywhere and if she wants to sleep, she can sleep...it's just the fact that everyone is so wrapped up in their own lives, they forget about the girl sitting in the bleachers. I don't know. I don't know where to go from here.
I told my supervisor what was going on, how I was feeling. For some reason, she thought that getting my hair done or nails done or whatever was going to make me feel better. Sure, it'd be a fix if ONE, I had someone to go with, and TWO, I had the money for it. And money is just another stressor I'm trying not to think about. At all. Cuz then I'd be worse.
I feel myself sinking, I'm grabbing at the tree roots but they are all too weak to hold me. I just don't know where to go from here.
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| EmptyI'm feeling empty.
Towards the beginning of this month, I posted in the Personals section of Craigslist. I received 64 responses. Only 1 was not a person responding to me, they were advertising some other site. I didn't respond to 5 others. This cute guy had responded to me, and in a couple of days, I met up with him, since he lived right down the street from me. He was nice, he was smart, and cute. But there just wasn't a connection. He and I still continued to text back and forth for a few days and then that faded away.
A couple days after meeting the first guy, I had continued to talk to this other guy (I'm talking to 3 or 4 guys currently, still). Well, this past Friday, he and I met. I really liked him. Just one problem. Before we even met he was calling me Baby and Sweetheart and Honey. And I know some of you might think that's cute. I do too. I know some of you other ones may say it's too soon. Eh, that doesn't bother me. Here's the problem with it...it's a pet peeve of mine when people call each other baby and NEVER use the other person's name. It's almost like you don't know the other person's name...or you're trying to cover up the fact that you're with several people and don't wanna take the chance of calling them by the wrong name. I don't know. I know that it's a term of endearment. I know that if I told you that you were my friend (when obviously you are) every single time we talked, it would get old fast. Or if at the end of every sentence I called you "Friend" at the end, you'd get tired of it too. That's kind of what this guy was doing to me. "Baby" was no longer a term of endearment, said to make me feel special and knowing that he cared about me. It was just another name.
But something that even made me MORE upset about it is this: I've spent the past 4 years of my life wasting my time on and making someone a priority, when, to him, I was only an option. I was used to be ignored, not adored. I was used to being pushed aside or held back, not pulled close. And I don't ever think I'm gonna be okay with these terms of endearment and someone telling me they can't wait to hold me and someone wanting to kiss me (apparently) Angelina Jolie-esque lips. My lips definitely aren't hers, but to him they are. I'm so scared that my daughter's father ruined me to a point where I'm never going to be able to function in a relationship. He never cared if I went out. 9 times out of 10 he would have never known about it had I not told him. He rarely ever asked who I was out with, unless I was in a somewhat-questionable place. How will I ever get over someone WANTING to spend time with me? Wanting to know why I'm going out to Wal-Mart in the middle of the night or whatever. Texting to check up on me, to see where I am, what I'm doing, who I'm with. I know that trust comes with a relationship and if I'm trusted these things aren't necessary. But to me that's what a relationship is, because the closest I've come to actually HAVING a relationship since my daughter's father and I, were the relationships he was having with other girls...seeing how they didn't trust him, seeing them text him all the time when we were together, seeing how they wouldn't let him go out without him, and if they did, leave marks on his neck as a sign to other women he was taken (which never worked, btw...). I don't WANT that for myself. I want to have someone to cuddle up with when I want. I want someone who can come do couple things with me when I'm out with other couples (cuz not having that sucked...). I don't want someone blowing up my cell all the time, who's jealous and wants to know where I am and with whom at all hours of the night. And I know these feelings are not normal...at least for people who have been in normal relationships. But that's what I don't want. I will never function in a normal relationship ever again. Thanks, Terry.
I'm going to meet another guy because the second one I met is kinda making me crazy. My daughter's father told me just to be nice and remind the second guy that I'm not comfortable with Baby all the time. He also said, "If I called you baby all the time you would love it. You're pushing him away subconsciously because he's not me." I know he's partly right. But I can't hold on to someone who's always gonna have drama in his life because he can't just be with one girl at a time. I can't hold onto someone who doesn't wanna hold on to me. So I'm going to meet Guy number 3. And I know between 2 and 3, I've found who's gonna make me happy. Now I just have to figure out which one it is.
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| The Scary Dream I Had Last NightI was at my house in Bolingbrook and Shade E. (my cat) snuck out and was in the driveway fighting. I go out there only to find it's a bunch of feral cats, about three groups of them, 12 total. A lot of them are black and they're all fighting so I can't see which one is Shade E. so I know he's a goner. I run back into the house absolutely hysterical. It's at this point I see that my mom's two cats are fighting. I look at Beatle and see he's biting the crap at out of her and he's got this wild look in his eye, like he became one of them. (like, being a feral cat isn't contagious like zombies or rabies, but in my dream it was) I grab him by the back of his neck and throw him out the door before he infects her and then I cry harder because now he's gone too. I look at Jewel and she's all crazy looking too so out she goes so she doesn't hurt Lena or anyone else.
Then Mom takes my hysterical self and Lena to some police station to warn them. Well, she goes in and talks with someone first and then someone else starts talking to me. He eventually calls someone in right as I start talking (he's only asking questions about Lena, though, and I tell him that's not why I'm there). He whispers to the other guy he brought in and they informed me I was under arrest for attempted murder of my baby (I thought they had been referring to Lena, but perhaps they were talking about whatever baby I may have been pregnant with at the time).
I asked them what they were talking about...they said Mirena (my birth control) is like attempting murder. And I kept telling them my doctor gave it to me and they said it was now illegal. I explained that I got Mirena AFTER I had her, not while I was pregnant at all. (I got it May 11th and I had Lena February 13). I told them to even check my medical records. They read me the Miranda Rights and started putting handcuffs on me. I'm trying to get out of the room and over to the room my mom is in but I can't find how to get to her room even though I could see her because all the walls were windows.
A few minutes later my mom, grandpa, aunt, and one of my uncles came in and they're looking at me but not talking to me. I tell them to take Lena and hold her out to them and they won't take her. I try talking to Mom and she just tightened her lips and they all started walking away. My grandpa was the only one who said something to me, to show me he wasn't angry with me. After they walked out, I was trying to figure out how to kill myself because I knew I wasn't walking away without a murder charge and that I'd never get another job again. Some woman from DCFS came to get Lena. Then, Shade E. runs in and past me and I cant tell if he's feral or not because he didnt stop...but I assume if he was then he would've stopped to try to bite me.
And that's it. What do you think?
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| Babies are HardSure, babies are fun and happy-go-lucky and have nothing to worry about because someone else has to do all the work, right? Um...not really.
They're fun sometimes, sure, and REALLY have nothing to worry about...but yet...still cry an awful lot. At least I was blessed with a baby who doesn't cry too often...but still, sometimes she cries and there's just no reason for it. I mean, if you've fed a baby, and burped her, and played with her, and changed her diaper, there's just no reason to cry, right? She's had all her needs met...so maybe she's tired? Maybe. But the only thing standing between her and sleep is the fact that she's crying. So why not stop crying and go to sleep? Who knows?
Last night, Lena was ridiculously cranky. She was not just crying, she was screaming bloody murder. I'm sure people outside thought we were throwing her around or something, with the way she was screaming. She had just been fed, didn't want anymore, just had been put in a fresh, clean diaper. She had three people to give her attention if that's what she wanted, but yet she was SCREAMING. Not to mention, I had a near-migraine on top of it...so I was about to have my head explode, is what it felt like...
Well, my best friend left and it was just me and my mom. We held Lena and eventually I just couldn't anymore because my head hurt so bad. Mom took her into her bedroom and rocked her back and forth until she quieted down. Eventually she started crying again. So I picked her up and rocked her and patted her butt and she calmed down for a couple minutes (probably just to gather more energy) and then started crying again. (At least it wasn't screaming again!) I decided to lay her on her tummy. So I did that and ran my fingers up and down her back. She started to calm down but would still not allow herself to go to sleep. So I cupped my hand and patted up and down her back and she quickly fell asleep.
It was just a wonderful feeling to know that I was able to get her calmed down and asleep...even when it seemed like nothing was wrong. I guess I am doing pretty okay with being a mom after all.
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| Ten Signs You May Be Addicted to Twitter1. When people say, "I twittered about that." You say, "No, it's tweeted. To tweet means to post on Twitter."
2. You curse yourself or become visibly upset when you forgot to take your phone somewhere and something Twitter-worthy happened.
3. You've paused in the middle of having fun times to tweet about it.
4. You no longer have people look you up on myspace, you have them find you on Twitter because that's the most up-to-date on your life.
5. You tweet more than you talk to people.
6. You tweet about not only every random thought you think or about everything you do, but also tweet comments about the shows you're watching.
7. When you haven't tweeted for 2 or more hours, people start texting or calling to make sure you're still alive...they know you're not just hurt because you would've tweeted about that already.
8. You know more about the goings-on of celebrities (as told by themselves) and random Twitter strangers than you do about your best friend (unless she's on Twitter too, of course.)
9. You've had people yell at you for how many times you tweet or at what hours you tweet.
10. You search random terms on the website to see who's tweeting about the same things you are...then you follow them.
What other signs do you think there are? | | |
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True